Charting a new course

I'm walking into Lent with a heavy heart.  Nothing is wrong.  My life is blessed, super blessed.    I have a healthy and wonderful husband.  I have healthy and great kids.  I have a lovely new home.  I have  normal life!

So what the heck is wrong with me?

I feel anxious.
I feel pulled by different and wonderful possibilities.
I feel restless.
I feel sad

The worst part is that I know that I'm totally doing this to myself; which is the most irritating thing about this.  Literally, I want to kick myself for being such a goof.  (sigh)

Big (sigh) now because the root of all these 'emotions' came down on me like a house yesterday.  The resignation of our Papa, Pope Benedict crushed me.  "Please, don't leave us; not now!"  I must have said this several times.  But, isn't that what the apostles must have said to Jesus when he left? 

Why am I so fearful?  Why, is it that I lack in so much trust when I need it the most.  Isn't this the one and only Catholic Church?  The body of Christ, his bride?  Christ, Our Lord, hasn't left us!

Folks, we are still the faithful church militant.  Are we not?

Let us pray for the wonderful Vicar of Christ, that is Pope Benedict XVI.  Let us pray for his successor.  The worries are there, for sure.  I thing this post by, Fr. Allan J. McDonald said it the best. (Click here to read it)

We all were in shock yesterday; that will pass.  But, the root to what is was my glum moods... the attacks of the demon that seeks our souls; plain and simple, he never sleeps!

We must fight this nagging demon.
Prayers, fasting, giving, sacrificing, and staying close to our sacraments.  That's the key.  And isn't this just like the season Lent?  

In, this little pocket that is my family; we are venturing into a new course.  As a part of God's family, the one Holy  and Apostolistic Catholic Church, we shall take up the course with grace and prayer... plus keep our rosaries and veils in hand.  One never knows when they will be called for.

So, take heed everyone.  Remain vigilant and stay close to the sacraments.
God bless you folks!

HOME

This is where I am.  After a few years of saying it, I think I've arrived. 

I'm HOME. 

I mean this figuratively and physically too.  We've been away a lot over the last month.  There are several things I've missed for the lack of just being around.  A cookie exchange link up came and went...I love cookie exchanges and I missed it. 

But that's okay.

I was away spending time with family and getting cozy next to fires. 

What I really mean by being HOME is that I feel more focused in my role as wife and mother.  It isn't always a pretty site.  No, but the effort to be a peace in my HOME is a constant now.

I wish I could say that my prayer life is perfect, that the kids lesson plans are updated, that each child is receiving exactly what they need at the moment they need it.  I wish I could say that my house is as clean as I'd like it to be or that the clutter I tried to get rid of last year has stayed gone. 

Nope.  I can't say any of those things.

But, I can say that I look at each day with new eyes.  I try to meet the needs of both husband and children on an hourly basis.  I carve out prayer time, not always daily but I'm getting there.  I am slowly getting to that clutter. 

Yes!  I am deconstructing my HOME.  Every inch of it.  It was the reason why we took all of Advent off from regular school work.  My family needed time to just be still.  To cook and read together.  Watch silly movies, walk in the rain, visit lots of family....to breath.

Now I'm getting to the physical needs of my HOME.  More on that later...

During all this there is the daily-hourly talks with Jesus.  I am more grateful to God for His abundance love for me and what He has put forth in my life.  I see Him in my children.  I see Him in the love between my husband and I.  I can see His hand on even the current struggles...here prayers are needed.

HOME is my word for 2011.

HOME is my focus.

What wasn't meant to be...

A friend's words have come around to bring a fuller meaning to me.  When I announced our pregnancy to her I voiced out a concern in telling people so early on in the pregnancy.  Never having lost a child to miscarriage, I now think it's odd that I even had that thought.  But in her complete trust in God she just blurted out, "Oh no girl, celebrate this baby."  Celebrate this life from day one". 

So we did.  From flowers with little notes to big "announcements" over a campfire we celebrated him. 

Now sadly we have to mourn him. 

As a mother I knew when we were pregnant.  As a mother I knew what was wrong before it had to be said.

Early Sunday morning we lost our baby. 

I won't get to feel him grow within me.  We won't get to have those times of dreaming what or who he would look like.  That anticipation to his birth isn't ours to have.  We won't get to hold him while he is still messy from birth.  There are many things we just won't be able to have with him.  And I am  struggling here. 

What gives me peace is God's will.  I humbly place my heart into His hands and trust his plan with it.  I do not doubt His plans for me.  I embrace it and am overjoyed for it.  I thank Him for our little saint in Heaven.  I can take ease in the truth that one day we will meet. 

It was only meant for us to have you for a short time but I am so so glad that we celebrated you.  Though our hearts ache for you now, we will hold our love for you until we meet.  Our sweet baby you are in our hearts forever. 

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. -- Mother M. Angelica

(Miscarriage Prayer-ETWN)

He has a name~

Christopher

Pondering

There are some that are so trusting in handing over their lives to God's hands.  They may question and perhaps doubt from time to time but..wow...look what can be accomplished when we let go.  When ever Katie writes I want to link it to here.  I'd like to be reminded that people do live like her...some in small ways while others in large (each important, each are needed, each are examples of living like Jesus).

Here is Katie Davis' journey.

Our Christmas

How do you answer the question "How was your Christmas"?  Do you suck it up and smile saying it was good, nice...interesting.  While in your heart you want to smile and say how beautiful it was...just as I imagined...it was awesome; you can't say it because there was pain, tears, and anger.  Instead of waiting and rejoycing together; as a family we tried to hold on to a sense of falling.  We saw, that evening and then the Christmas Day, become a time of trying to understand what probably isn't ours to understand.  The "why" factor came into play several times...but mostly there was such fear in the air.  Really, this is what it all came down to.  It was fear.  Fear of what is to come, not knowing how to handle it, what to do with it, the changes that all the coming months will bring to a family that is so united; so intertwined.  We are a strong bunch but there is no shame in feeling weak and needing help.  There is no wrong in feeling unprepared for change.  How then, do we move on?
love & mercy
Seeking Him out in the Eucharist, in the Mass.  Remembering that we have all fallen and that none of us is without some wrong.  We stay connected to that same baby that later died on the cross.  We forgive one another but most importantly seek forgiveness of ourselves.  We say we are sorry and truly move on.  We remember that Christmas is more than one night...